Updated: May 3
I've spent many of my nearly 30 years in defiance of authority. For me, saying "no" verbally or by my actions (or inaction) has sealed the deal on my autonomy, not being persuaded by those who felt they knew me better than I knew myself and thus, were qualified to tell me what to do or not do.
But what happens when the authority is God? I've grown up in the church and have had so many experiences that has helped to shape my spiritual life and bring me closer to God. Over the last few months have had a gradually increasing weight of conviction on me for some behaviour that I wasn't ready to put down. And one day when one of my closest (and saved) friends asked me to call her, I knew she would confirm my spiritual conviction. So I had a bit of a "belly break down" before the call because I knew what God wanted to say to me in that moment. And guess what, I was absolutely right. I prayed before I spoke to her because I wanted to receive her comments with my spirit and not my flesh, which I knew would have been extremely offended by the double portion of conviction.
I'm afraid that right now I am on the brink of my own Jonah experience. Remember, the guy who ran from his obligation to God and wound up swallowed by a whale? Yeah.. it's me at this very moment, wanting so badly to run again. Out of fear, out of selfish desires and because I just don't want to. Is that the right thing for me to say? Maybe not, I don't know. But it definitely is what I feel at this moment. But where does that lead me?
That's a rhetorical question, it leads me into the belly of a whale, metaphorically speaking of course.
My spirit is weary from running away from what God wants from me and it shows in my lack of discipline in many areas in my life. Very silently I've been in a chaotic spiral, picking up bad habits here and there and dropping good ones each time.
It's time for me to discipline myself again, starting with my mind and spirit; by studying God's Word and listening for his voice in silence. Also by dropping the destructive habits I've picked up, like skipping the gym and binging junk food and trash tv. I must make moves to change my behaviour and establish healthy habits holistically even though some things I don't like. But nothing good comes from a place of comfort. Discomfort breeds strength and positive change, if you allow it.
Have you ever been in this situation? How have you dealt with receiving an order from God that you didn't like but knew you had to?